#Hello30

A reintroduction of sorts.  They call me Amy, a stupid plain name if you ask me.  Had I of been consulted in this decision, I would have named myself any of the following:

  • Amelia
  • Eliza
  • Phoebe
  • Stella

I am bordering on the age of 30.. in something like 2 weeks.  I’ve got big plans for this: spin class at 6:30am; work; more gym; home.  I plan on spending the next 3-5 years at 30 so I need to make sure I get it right.  It’s my dream that my twenties will disintegrate at the stoke of midnight on my birthday.. by disintegrate I mean, I hope people forget them.  For the sake of this paragraph and to ensure you keep reading, lets just say my 20’s were.. chaotic.  

I have an amazing daughter, she’s 8 (although she thinks she is 30) and the light of my life.  Here’s to hoping I come full circle before she grows up and realizes that she’s smarter than me. :)  I live with my boyfriend, Ed.  We have been together a little over a year.  I stalked him in a little cafe until he finally asked me to hang out.  I should clarify… by stalked what I mean is I drank a lot of coffee with two of my best friends on a near daily basis while on sabbatical from life.  Sabbatical is a whole other topic all together.  Anyway.. we hung out, looking for a book at Borders.. pre-bankruptcy and subsequent closure.. and by the end of the night we were on a date.  I still can’t even figure out how it happened.  However, it took WEEKS for him to kiss me.. and even longer for me to realize I had a boyfriend.. and when I did realize I had a boyfriend it was kind of like an ‘oh shit’ moment (I have these frequently).   In all honesty.. I really have no idea what I am doing, I spent the 6 previous years AVOIDING relationships.. it’s entirely possible that someday I will break it… you know, like when you drop a carton of eggs while bringing in the groceries.. but for now (and hopefully forever) I am over the moon in love (kind of corny, right?).  

I have many acquaintances, but only a handful I consider friends.  The older I get, the fewer I have.. the ones that are there though, they are my family.  They have picked me up and helped me to glue myself back together (on multiple occasions).  What about my biological family.. I am sure this is burning question for you.  Well.. lets just say that they are more like strangers, acquaintances themselves.  I am a fractured soul derived from my parents sense of parenting, I have never quite fit in and always been the odd one out… and it ONLY took me 29 years to accept that. 

I work a mediocre job with a big health insurance company.  I’ve been there for 5 years, I have no passion for it but I am good at it, which is why I am still there.  My job is often a point of stress for me.. as it is for most people I am sure.  I internalize a lot and bring it home or into my world.  I am slowly learning to not do that either.

So.. 29 is almost over.  It flew by, so fucking ridiculous.  By far the best year of my life and I feel like I didn’t even get a chance to enjoy it.  Figures.  You know, when I really sit down to think about it… I haven’t accomplished a whole hell of a lot in these 29 years.  Not to take away from my fantastically awesome mini-me (who no doubt will be by far way more awesome than me).. but on a personal level.. a spiritual level.. a creative level.  I haven’t done anything.  Part of it is my own personal crazy (I am diagnosed bi-polar).. part of it is money.. and the rest is indecisiveness, confidence, and laziness.  The only thing I have really down is found a balance.. and maybe (given the last 4 and a half years of crazy) thats all I can ask for.

Everything changes

If you had asked me 6 months ago what I would be doing today, it would not be, ‘updating my tumblr from the apartment I share with my boyfriend.”  It’s absolutely amazing how quickly things changed in 6 months. Everyone who knows me, knows I am a relationship phobe.  I don’t trust people, I push you away and I make it a point to make it hurt you.  I still don’t understand where he came from, or how we ended up together, all I know is that I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  Despite some of our obvious interest differences, we fit together.. kind of like peanut butter and jelly.  How corny is that?  lol. 

I’m in a much different place than I was 4 years ago, hell.. even a year ago.  What a train wreck I was last year.  Suddenly, I am comfortable planning now for the future, and I am comfortable including him in my plans.  I am becoming domesticated, and it’s not as scary as I thought.  I am happy to be in this place.  In fact, other than the birth of my daughter, I can’t think of a single moment where I have been happier and more in love.

.2011.

This year I want to:

.Spend as much time as possible with Alexia
.Love more
.Reconnect with some key people in my life
.Read more
.Cook more
.Take a lot of pictures
.Ice skate
.Write
.Explore
.Meditate more
.Test myself
.Listen to more music
.Start running again
.Be more selfless
.Be more involved
.Take more deep breaths
.Cherish every moment, good and bad
.Save and budget my money
.LISTEN
.Be patient
.Learn
.Work on my potty mouth
.Be more optimistic
.Go to more museums
.Learn how to knit
.Be healthy, safe, and strong.