I am 28. Twenty. Eight. I should not being trying to figure these things out in life now. I should have had all of these things already figured out. I should be settled down, done with school and hopefully in a career I like. Instead, I am having quarter life crisis’, going out of work on leave of absences, and discovering after putting myself in the most dangerous position I has ever been in before that I am so much more unhappy than I ever allowed myself to feel.
I have been in therapy for the last three years of my life and for two and a half years I worked with a wonderful therapist. Some of my friends benefited greatly from her advice, as I fed them word for word what she would give me. I wasted all this time, precious time being non compliant mostly. Always in a state of chaos or crisis. The biggest mistake I made was never discussing the things that really bothered me, the things that really hurt. I didn’t talk about them, because well, duh, they hurt. No one wants to cry. I, for one, happened to enjoy therapy, and really enjoyed the fact that I could make my therapist laugh and so this was my goal mostly. So, I changed enough to notice… but the impact could have been so much more. The fallout of this summer, the overdose, the assault, subsequent hospitalizations and being out of work.. this was all avoidable. Like I said, all I ever had to do was talk about the things that hurt, the things that shook me at the core.. I just had to be real, open, and honest. When I got manic, I hid it. I could have asked for help. But, thats the past, and I’m here now. I made it through the summer with some tremendous support. Non-family, mostly provider support, but I will be forever grateful.. because no one has ever taken care of me the way I was taken care of this time around. I am healing, slowly. I had no idea I was so unhappy. None at all.
Monday I go back to work, I am nervous and overwhelmed. I hate my job. Loathe my job. I wish they would eliminate it. I can’t take being verbally abused on the phones daily.
So, it would appear that I am having an identity crisis of some sort. I don’t really know who I am or who I want to be. I’m not quite sure what drives me or what I am passionate about. I know I love my daughter with every grain of my being. I would give her the world if I could, and of course it is also my job as a parent to make sure she is afforded every opportunity possible.. but you can’t live your life solely for another person, you’d end up resenting them. You need to live your life for you too.
Which brings me back to my original questions: who am I? What am I looking for? I do know what I am responsible for. I do know what I have to do.. but not really what I love to do.. and I suspect there is a difference. I want to live a life of spontaneity and passion. I want to go to school and I want to learn about different cultures. I want to take pictures.. beautiful pictures.. interesting pictures. I want to travel.. I want to live all over the place. I want to be everywhere in the world, except for here. I am so miserable here. I want to write, endlessly. I want to get to a point where I feel comfortable in my skin again.. where I can look in the mirror and do more than tolerate the moment.. I want to savor it, I want to enjoy it. I want to love, and by love I mean, I want to trust and I want to.. with my entire heart be entangled with another human being.. never once waiting for the other shoe to drop. I make jokes about becoming an old cat lady with a bad netflix habit, I don’t want that life.. not even a little. I’d like to see 90 days alcohol free, I’m almost there in two weeks, followed by 6 months. I want to be healthy, and this means not drinking, taking my meds as prescribed including my bypass supplements, going to the gym, going to physical therapy, getting my levels drawn, and taking care of things as they come up and not letting them spiral out of control.
So, I guess my post is a little all over the place tonight.. in my defense it’s 2:45am… it would appear I have some idea about what I’d like down the the line. I still don’t quite know what drives me or what I am passionate about.. I did a little research though and here are some things OTHER people are passionate about or driven by:
- art
- their children
- music
- writing
- career
- existing
- unknown
- hopes/dreams
- yard work
- pets
- making OTHER people feel good
- being loved
- other people
- being involved
- advocating
- achievement/accomplishment
- family
- friends
- money
- sex/passion
- power
- video games
- making cherishable memories
- racing cars
With that, I’m headed to bed.
