One of the dictionary’s definition of the word sabotage is: any undermining of a cause. What if that cause, is your life? Self sabotage is a common theme in my life. It’s not that I don’t want to be happy and settled. There is level of thinking I have, where I feel like, I just don’t deserve it. I don’t know where it came from, but.. it’s been there for so long that I almost don’t know how to live any other way. I’ve tainted every good thing that has touched my life and not just asked it to leave or politely excused myself from whatever it was.. but I have instead permanently damaged every single good thing in my life. I have burned more bridges than I count at this point. I’m pretty apathetic right now, not happy or sad or depressed.. I just kind of am. I’d rather be though.. happy, sad or depressed even… at least I’d know there’s still a heart in there. Somewhere. Under all fences and walls and masks. You ever wake up and wonder, is this really all there is to my life?
