I find myself in territory I haven’t seen in a long time. I’m teetering right now, between okay and not okay. I’ve kind of known for weeks that I was leaning the wrong way.. but at the same time.. this wrong way makes Amy happy. She’s laughs, she enjoys life, her work is focused and complete, she lives with passion.. so much passion. She’s not depressed by any means, at least she thinks shes not. I saw this happening, and I knew it was a little off balance. I knew the consequences involved in this, over spending, over drinking, over medicating, being too impulsive, acting first and asking questions later, reacting instead of assessing and making sound judgments. I don’t know how to describe it, to know something is wrong, and to do it anyway. Is it selfish or is it a part of being bipolar? I learned a long time ago, to not use being bipolar as a crutch, I did that a lot in the beginning, it was an excuse. Over time I have learned about accountability and trying to take responsibility when I should for the things I have done.. but where is the line? Or, is there a line?
I can’t possibly be back at square one. There are only so many do overs in life.
