I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last several days. This life I’ve been living is such a sham, and so not me. I’ve struggled a lot in the past with identity, I still do now. I try to be the Amy, that whoever I am with in that moment wants me to be. I am: Mommy-Amy, Working-Amy, Good Times-Amy.. there are all these different versions of me, to satisfy everyone else. I never stopped for a moment to figure out how to just be… me. Me, being a combination of all those Amy’s.. somewhere along the line I should have taken the best aspects of all these persona’s that I have to fit everyone else’s needs.. and been able to fuse them together. The thought never really crossed my mind I suppose. It’s sad kind of.
When it comes right down to it, everyone is a little bit damaged. No one is perfect. Some people are a little more resilient than others, some more resourceful… and some just need a little help along the way. That would be me, in that last category.. at least in recent weeks. An 8 week run of mania can wear a girl out, cause her to burn many bridges, and make some awful choices. I’ve spent 11 of the last 14 days in the hospital, trying to regain a sense of balance and self. I almost died. Things should never get to that point of pure desperation.. not for me.. not for anyone.
I hold myself fully responsible for my actions over the last couple of months. Fully accountable for my drinking, my choices, my words, and that punch at Dunkin’ Donuts. I don’t hold on to my bipolar disorder as a crutch. I mean, sure.. it plays a factor in how I may handle or react in an uncomfortable situation, especially when left to my own devices without medication for an extended period of time. In the end though, it’s me.. and those were my choices.. and as an accountable result, I am accepting (without judgment on the situation or event) any and all consequences.
The only thing I can do from here is learn. I need to focus on the things that matter and weed out all of the negative energy that has been surrounding me for so long. With that comes staying in the moment, staying positive.. for now keeping a low profile (I need it).. and working on establishing some positive relationships and coping skills to move forward. In learning a lot about myself, I have also learned that I don’t want that life that I’ve been living. The up’s are euphoric and they make you so happy.. but like the old adage says: “what goes up, must come down.” I’ve never crashed so hard and so unexpectedly and with such dire consequences. This is a place, I never want to be in again.. because I don’t think I would survive it.
I’m glad I made it through this.. and I am looking forward to everything beyond this mess I made. Getting a car, being able to move closer to my precious daughter, going back to school. It won’t all come easy, like the car. I’m out of work for at least 4-6 more weeks.. so 75% pay gets tightly budgeted.. thank god for short term disability. It will all come in time, with or without family support.. because I have a great group of friends. The negative soul sucking ones are gone.. and I have everything I need in the ones surrounding me right now.
I should sleep… ahhh, goodnight.
