amy [unfiltered]

kellyreeves: (via DIY Lawn Twister | Apartment Therapy) Paging...

Fri, 25 May 2012 20:39:57 -0400

(via DIY Lawn Twister | Apartment Therapy)

Paging jenna! If only we had a lawn…

#Hello30

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 15:30:36 -0500

A reintroduction of sorts. They call me Amy, a stupid plain name if you ask me. Had I of been consulted in this decision, I would have named myself any of the following:

Amelia
Eliza
Phoebe
Stella

I am bordering on the age of 30.. in something like 2 weeks. I’ve got big plans for this: spin class at 6:30am; work; more gym; home. I plan on spending the next 3-5 years at 30 so I need to make sure I get it right. It’s my dream that my twenties will disintegrate at the stoke of midnight on my birthday.. by disintegrate I mean, I hope people forget them. For the sake of this paragraph and to ensure you keep reading, lets just say my 20’s were.. chaotic.

I have an amazing daughter, she’s 8 (although she thinks she is 30) and the light of my life. Here’s to hoping I come full circle before she grows up and realizes that she’s smarter than me. :) I live with my boyfriend, Ed. We have been together a little over a year. I stalked him in a little cafe until he finally asked me to hang out. I should clarify… by stalked what I mean is I drank a lot of coffee with two of my best friends on a near daily basis while on sabbatical from life. Sabbatical is a whole other topic all together. Anyway.. we hung out, looking for a book at Borders.. pre-bankruptcy and subsequent closure.. and by the end of the night we were on a date. I still can’t even figure out how it happened. However, it took WEEKS for him to kiss me.. and even longer for me to realize I had a boyfriend.. and when I did realize I had a boyfriend it was kind of like an ‘oh shit’ moment (I have these frequently). In all honesty.. I really have no idea what I am doing, I spent the 6 previous years AVOIDING relationships.. it’s entirely possible that someday I will break it… you know, like when you drop a carton of eggs while bringing in the groceries.. but for now (and hopefully forever) I am over the moon in love (kind of corny, right?).

I have many acquaintances, but only a handful I consider friends. The older I get, the fewer I have.. the ones that are there though, they are my family. They have picked me up and helped me to glue myself back together (on multiple occasions). What about my biological family.. I am sure this is burning question for you. Well.. lets just say that they are more like strangers, acquaintances themselves. I am a fractured soul derived from my parents sense of parenting, I have never quite fit in and always been the odd one out… and it ONLY took me 29 years to accept that.

I work a mediocre job with a big health insurance company. I’ve been there for 5 years, I have no passion for it but I am good at it, which is why I am still there. My job is often a point of stress for me.. as it is for most people I am sure. I internalize a lot and bring it home or into my world. I am slowly learning to not do that either.

So.. 29 is almost over. It flew by, so fucking ridiculous. By far the best year of my life and I feel like I didn’t even get a chance to enjoy it. Figures. You know, when I really sit down to think about it… I haven’t accomplished a whole hell of a lot in these 29 years. Not to take away from my fantastically awesome mini-me (who no doubt will be by far way more awesome than me).. but on a personal level.. a spiritual level.. a creative level. I haven’t done anything. Part of it is my own personal crazy (I am diagnosed bi-polar).. part of it is money.. and the rest is indecisiveness, confidence, and laziness. The only thing I have really down is found a balance.. and maybe (given the last 4 and a half years of crazy) thats all I can ask for.

You made boundaries you never dreamed you’d cross.. and if...

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 23:18:36 -0400

You made boundaries you never dreamed you’d cross.. and if you happen to you wake completely lost.

Everything changes

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 06:49:41 -0400

If you had asked me 6 months ago what I would be doing today, it would not be, ‘updating my tumblr from the apartment I share with my boyfriend.” It’s absolutely amazing how quickly things changed in 6 months. Everyone who knows me, knows I am a relationship phobe. I don’t trust people, I push you away and I make it a point to make it hurt you. I still don’t understand where he came from, or how we ended up together, all I know is that I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Despite some of our obvious interest differences, we fit together.. kind of like peanut butter and jelly. How corny is that? lol.

I’m in a much different place than I was 4 years ago, hell.. even a year ago. What a train wreck I was last year. Suddenly, I am comfortable planning now for the future, and I am comfortable including him in my plans. I am becoming domesticated, and it’s not as scary as I thought. I am happy to be in this place. In fact, other than the birth of my daughter, I can’t think of a single moment where I have been happier and more in love.

I’m feeling a bit lost. Cloudy at best. Too much change to process all at once. Time to take a...

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 06:39:25 -0500

I’m feeling a bit lost. Cloudy at best. Too much change to process all at once. Time to take a step back.

.2011.

Sat, 01 Jan 2011 08:44:31 -0500

This year I want to:

.Spend as much time as possible with Alexia
.Love more
.Reconnect with some key people in my life
.Read more
.Cook more
.Take a lot of pictures
.Ice skate
.Write
.Explore
.Meditate more
.Test myself
.Listen to more music
.Start running again
.Be more selfless
.Be more involved
.Take more deep breaths
.Cherish every moment, good and bad
.Save and budget my money
.LISTEN
.Be patient
.Learn
.Work on my potty mouth
.Be more optimistic
.Go to more museums
.Learn how to knit
.Be healthy, safe, and strong.

somethingintellectual: Things I’m Thankful For by Laura...

Fri, 31 Dec 2010 18:11:30 -0500

somethingintellectual:

Things I’m Thankful For by Laura Berger

See also; YOU.

bitchville: Singularity by http://realitydream.hu/

Sat, 30 Oct 2010 10:53:38 -0400

bitchville:

Singularity by http://realitydream.hu/

somethingintellectual: Color.

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 21:26:09 -0400

somethingintellectual:

Color.

"An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."

Mon, 25 Oct 2010 13:00:54 -0400

“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.”

- Huxley (via spendle72) Not everything has to be an epic fail.

somethingintellectual: kari-shma:Hraunfoss við Fimmvörðuháls!...

Sat, 23 Oct 2010 10:23:54 -0400

somethingintellectual:

kari-shma:Hraunfoss við Fimmvörðuháls! (by Kristján Freyr Þrastarson)

Bad Nursing

Sun, 10 Oct 2010 17:15:30 -0400

In the ER with my sister - one nurse came in to give her pain meds. She left on a stretcher for x-rays, another nurse came in to give her the same pain meds because the first nurse didn’t document. Fail.

"Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things."

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 13:15:15 -0400

“Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things.”

- Denis Diderot (via bitchville)

Photo

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 14:11:34 -0400

Love autumn in Albany <3

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 14:08:40 -0400

Love autumn in Albany <3

bitchville: Stuck in a strange loop by...

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 14:06:25 -0400

bitchville:

Stuck in a strange loop by http://joelbarhamand.com/

"And everywhere I go, there’s always something to remind me of another place and time where love that..."

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 14:05:18 -0400

“And everywhere I go, there’s always something to remind me of another place and time where love that traveled far had found me.”

- Remind Me by Röyksopp (via somethingintellectual)

Photo

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 02:52:18 -0400

Passions... and stuff.

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 02:49:49 -0400

I am 28. Twenty. Eight. I should not being trying to figure these things out in life now. I should have had all of these things already figured out. I should be settled down, done with school and hopefully in a career I like. Instead, I am having quarter life crisis’, going out of work on leave of absences, and discovering after putting myself in the most dangerous position I has ever been in before that I am so much more unhappy than I ever allowed myself to feel.

I have been in therapy for the last three years of my life and for two and a half years I worked with a wonderful therapist. Some of my friends benefited greatly from her advice, as I fed them word for word what she would give me. I wasted all this time, precious time being non compliant mostly. Always in a state of chaos or crisis. The biggest mistake I made was never discussing the things that really bothered me, the things that really hurt. I didn’t talk about them, because well, duh, they hurt. No one wants to cry. I, for one, happened to enjoy therapy, and really enjoyed the fact that I could make my therapist laugh and so this was my goal mostly. So, I changed enough to notice… but the impact could have been so much more. The fallout of this summer, the overdose, the assault, subsequent hospitalizations and being out of work.. this was all avoidable. Like I said, all I ever had to do was talk about the things that hurt, the things that shook me at the core.. I just had to be real, open, and honest. When I got manic, I hid it. I could have asked for help. But, thats the past, and I’m here now. I made it through the summer with some tremendous support. Non-family, mostly provider support, but I will be forever grateful.. because no one has ever taken care of me the way I was taken care of this time around. I am healing, slowly. I had no idea I was so unhappy. None at all.

Monday I go back to work, I am nervous and overwhelmed. I hate my job. Loathe my job. I wish they would eliminate it. I can’t take being verbally abused on the phones daily.

So, it would appear that I am having an identity crisis of some sort. I don’t really know who I am or who I want to be. I’m not quite sure what drives me or what I am passionate about. I know I love my daughter with every grain of my being. I would give her the world if I could, and of course it is also my job as a parent to make sure she is afforded every opportunity possible.. but you can’t live your life solely for another person, you’d end up resenting them. You need to live your life for you too.

Which brings me back to my original questions: who am I? What am I looking for? I do know what I am responsible for. I do know what I have to do.. but not really what I love to do.. and I suspect there is a difference. I want to live a life of spontaneity and passion. I want to go to school and I want to learn about different cultures. I want to take pictures.. beautiful pictures.. interesting pictures. I want to travel.. I want to live all over the place. I want to be everywhere in the world, except for here. I am so miserable here. I want to write, endlessly. I want to get to a point where I feel comfortable in my skin again.. where I can look in the mirror and do more than tolerate the moment.. I want to savor it, I want to enjoy it. I want to love, and by love I mean, I want to trust and I want to.. with my entire heart be entangled with another human being.. never once waiting for the other shoe to drop. I make jokes about becoming an old cat lady with a bad netflix habit, I don’t want that life.. not even a little. I’d like to see 90 days alcohol free, I’m almost there in two weeks, followed by 6 months. I want to be healthy, and this means not drinking, taking my meds as prescribed including my bypass supplements, going to the gym, going to physical therapy, getting my levels drawn, and taking care of things as they come up and not letting them spiral out of control.

So, I guess my post is a little all over the place tonight.. in my defense it’s 2:45am… it would appear I have some idea about what I’d like down the the line. I still don’t quite know what drives me or what I am passionate about.. I did a little research though and here are some things OTHER people are passionate about or driven by:

art
their children
music
writing
career
existing
unknown
hopes/dreams
yard work
pets
making OTHER people feel good
being loved
other people
being involved
advocating
achievement/accomplishment
family
friends
money
sex/passion
power
video games
making cherishable memories
racing cars

With that, I’m headed to bed.

Photo

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 02:44:16 -0400